A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them
Q&A
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's
Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because
the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groannn...)
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's
Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because
the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groannn...)
Fondling In Bed
**Fondling In Bed**
**One night, after the couple had retired for the evening, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
***
**He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. **
**By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. **
**Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered. **
*He whispered back, ' I found the remote.'***
**One night, after the couple had retired for the evening, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
***
**He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. **
**By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. **
**Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered. **
*He whispered back, ' I found the remote.'***
Old gags 13
Children talk
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
-----
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
----
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
----
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
-----
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
---
my pride and joy
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received:
a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion;
a brand new jet; and
a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
-----
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
----
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
----
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
-----
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
---
my pride and joy
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received:
a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion;
a brand new jet; and
a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends."
Old gags 12
New Trainee
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back:
"And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....
*****
Ship Wreck
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realizedthat they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
****
Teacher & Student
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
_________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
Old gags 11
The Parable of prodigal son
it all started on one boring day...
He asked for his shares...
JOLLIBEE decided leave and try his luck elsewhere..
He went to a Western Union branch to claim his last allowance...
then went to a mall and strolled for some time...
shopping
arcade
meet some friends
party party
He decided to visit a branch of the rival fastfood, owned by his archenemy, Ronald Mcdonald. He offered JOLLIBEE a very tempting job and they had a negotiation... and so, Jollibee decided to transfer to Mc Donald's as the second front act...
But what he doesn't know, it was all a propaganda to bring down the sales of JOLLIBEE...
few years later, jollibee decided to form a band.
still, he is not happy.. he decided to go back home..
and was given a warm welcome.
CREDITS TO THE OWNER
TAWA NAMAN SA EFFORT KONG MAGREUPLOAD :)
Old gags 10
Qualifying for Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
---------
little white guy
A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him; looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says,
"What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says:
"I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him; looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says,
"What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says:
"I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!.. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!"
----------
2 Wishes
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he
sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the
ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change. This comes a routine until late one evening, the two enter
again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the! order and says, "That
will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir,
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he
sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the
ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change. This comes a routine until late one evening, the two enter
again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the! order and says, "That
will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir,
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
Old gags 9
5 shots of Jack
A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"
The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"
The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
-------------
stupid questions
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here…
2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.
3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people asks…
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??
Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:-No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. You dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding……
9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!
-----------
Words of Wisdom
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a holy person any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
8. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
11. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
15. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"
The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"
The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
-------------
stupid questions
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here…
2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.
3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people asks…
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??
Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:-No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. You dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding……
9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!
-----------
Words of Wisdom
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a holy person any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
8. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
11. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
15. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Stupid Questions
stupid questions
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here…
2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.
3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people asks…
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??
Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:-No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. You dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding……
9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here…
2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.
3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people asks…
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??
Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:-No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. You dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding……
9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!
5 shots of Jack
5 shots of Jack
A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"
The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"
The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"
The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"
The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
Creation
Creation
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Words
W o r d s
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Understanding Women
Understanding Women
(A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
(A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Women's Revenge
Women's Revenge
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
Wife vs Husband
Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws"
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws"
Who does what
Who does what
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .........."HEBREWS"
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .........."HEBREWS"
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
A Sexually Active Women
A Sexually Active Women....
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
Little Sussie
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Wise Dean
One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night
And Didn't Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt.
They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car!
all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test,
All four were required to sit in seperate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ........( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?........... ....( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left
B) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right
And Didn't Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt.
They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car!
all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test,
All four were required to sit in seperate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ........( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?........... ....( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left
B) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right
Smart Woman
smart woman
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times' .
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you...'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers:- This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers:- Please scroll down..
There's more to this story....
...
..
.....
...
..
....
....
..
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times' .
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you...'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers:- This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers:- Please scroll down..
There's more to this story....
...
..
.....
...
..
....
....
..
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Toughest Man Ever
Toughest Man Ever
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and
said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true
heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by
their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men
who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who
truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the Head
of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your
purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and
said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true
heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by
their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men
who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who
truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the Head
of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your
purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
The Lost Chapter of Genesis
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "A woman that special will cost an arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest as they say is history.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "A woman that special will cost an arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest as they say is history.
Unfortunate Website Names
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread. These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales ,
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com
1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales ,
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com
Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Honest HR Q&A
If we were to Honestly reply to all the HR Questions they would go something like this
1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4.What would you do if we hire you?
Well, it depends on my mindset but I will try to work on whatever is allotted to me.
5.What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company.
6.What is your biggest weakness?
Girls
7.What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learn that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today!
8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
9.Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
10.Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job... More money
11.What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes
12.What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
13.Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website
14.What is the salary expected and how do u justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%).
1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4.What would you do if we hire you?
Well, it depends on my mindset but I will try to work on whatever is allotted to me.
5.What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company.
6.What is your biggest weakness?
Girls
7.What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learn that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today!
8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
9.Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
10.Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job... More money
11.What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes
12.What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
13.Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website
14.What is the salary expected and how do u justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%).
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'
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