Qualifying for Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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little white guy
A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him; looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says,
"What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says:
"I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him; looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says,
"What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says:
"I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!.. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!"
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2 Wishes
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he
sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the
ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change. This comes a routine until late one evening, the two enter
again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the! order and says, "That
will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir,
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he
sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the
ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change. This comes a routine until late one evening, the two enter
again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the! order and says, "That
will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir,
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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