Children talk
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
-----
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
----
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
----
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
-----
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
---
my pride and joy
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received:
a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion;
a brand new jet; and
a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends."
Old gags 12
New Trainee
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back:
"And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....
*****
Ship Wreck
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realizedthat they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
****
Teacher & Student
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
_________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
Old gags 11
The Parable of prodigal son
it all started on one boring day...
He asked for his shares...
JOLLIBEE decided leave and try his luck elsewhere..
He went to a Western Union branch to claim his last allowance...
then went to a mall and strolled for some time...
shopping
arcade
meet some friends
party party
He decided to visit a branch of the rival fastfood, owned by his archenemy, Ronald Mcdonald. He offered JOLLIBEE a very tempting job and they had a negotiation... and so, Jollibee decided to transfer to Mc Donald's as the second front act...
But what he doesn't know, it was all a propaganda to bring down the sales of JOLLIBEE...
few years later, jollibee decided to form a band.
still, he is not happy.. he decided to go back home..
and was given a warm welcome.
CREDITS TO THE OWNER
TAWA NAMAN SA EFFORT KONG MAGREUPLOAD :)
Old gags 10
Qualifying for Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
---------
little white guy
A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him; looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says,
"What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says:
"I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him; looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says,
"What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says:
"I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!.. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!"
----------
2 Wishes
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he
sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the
ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change. This comes a routine until late one evening, the two enter
again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the! order and says, "That
will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir,
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he
sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the
ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change. This comes a routine until late one evening, the two enter
again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the! order and says, "That
will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir,
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
Old gags 9
5 shots of Jack
A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"
The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"
The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
-------------
stupid questions
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here…
2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.
3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people asks…
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??
Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:-No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. You dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding……
9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!
-----------
Words of Wisdom
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a holy person any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
8. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
11. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
15. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"
The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"
The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
-------------
stupid questions
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here…
2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.
3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people asks…
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??
Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:-No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. You dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding……
9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!
-----------
Words of Wisdom
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a holy person any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
8. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
11. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
15. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
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